I didn't give you the gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you

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Dear Son,

Wow, today you are six. Your excitement is contagious as you count down the days to the birthday cake picture on the calendar. Knowing each day was a day closer. Three days mommy, two days mommy is all I kept hearing. But I'm not ready for it. I thought it would be easier but knowing that you are getting a day older everyday is hard to accept.

Sometimes when I look at you I don't see a big six year old, I see my belly growing and feeling you kick. Counting down the days till I got to meet you and kiss your little hands, whispering in your little ears how much I loved you already and promising for the rest of my life I would do anything and everything I could to help you and love you and always be there for you. Promises of undying love.

I see a sweet baby with velcro sunglasses on under a blue light.

I see a little boy army crawling around the house trying to get the dog so you can pull his ears and try to eat him. ( he secretly loved it don't worry )

I see you learning to walk and taking your first steps. Walking a few steps and falling into my arms like a safety net, with the biggest smile on your face from the accomplishment. 

 I see a toddler making such extraordinary messes and studying all that you do. Always mommy play with me, mommy look, mommy whats that. 

I see my preschooler walking into a class and not even blinking an eye at the fact that mommy was going to leave you because you are such a social little butterfly that it was heaven for you and hell for mommy. I remember sitting in the car watching you smile and laugh, crying because you were growing so much faster than I thought you would, and counting down the minutes till I could pick you up and hear all about your day. 

I'm not ready for you to be six yet, I still haven't bottled up your quirks and mannerisms to remember forever. How do I pause time so I can fill my well with memories. I love watching you grow every milestone but, I long for the days of naked butt tag because you don't want a diaper on. And in six years I will long for this now, the days of mommy one more book, the days of mommy play legos with me, the days of learning site words and snuggling on the couch just because. One day you won't choose me over everyone else to be your playdate. One day you won't need help reading and we won't snuggle as much.

You have taught me so much baby boy you have taught me courage. You aren’t afraid to throw yourself out there. You take risks and you don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. Except when it comes to trying new foods. I wish you would trust me when I say you’ll like it. But that’s okay. I’ll get over it. You have taught me to enjoy life and all its beauty. That a giving heart is the best there is to have, you are always willing to give your toys to the less fortunate. You have taught me love, and how to do so deeply and unconditionally.

As you're last day as a five year old comes to an end, my advice for you on your sixth birthday is this.. If you make your decisions wisely, you’ll be able to live without regret and with happiness. it's not about possessions or materials but more about the results of living your values – even though they may be difficult. This moment, today, and tomorrow, will never be given back so live it to the fullest. Keep that thirst for life, and share it with the world. Don't forget to be silly, don't take life to seriously. And smile, Its good for the soul.

So my big six year old, Happy Birthday to you. Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back a thousand times. Always have and always will. Just remember, no matter how old you get. You will always be my baby.

Your Likes

Anything with wheels and an engine

Working with Daddy

Cooking with Mommy

School

Reading

Legos

Video Games

Camping

Long Walks

Super Heros

Star Wars

Meatloaf

Sour Patch Kids

Miniture Golf

Bowling

Staying the night at Grandmas

Helping Grandpa Mike

Dance Parties

Chinese food

Apricot Jelly

Your Dislikes

Tomatoes

Having to sit still to eat

Playing Alone

Being Dirty

When someones hurt

Soda

Buns

Brussel Sprouts

Lettuce

Tomorrow we can eat broccoli,Today is for ice cream

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Mondays, do you ever stop and wonder why they got a bad rap? Who decided that Monday was the worst day of the week to have. It brings a new week, new opportunities, new beginnings. Tuesday gets Monday's exhaustion and Wednesday gets humor, Thursday gets last minute stress and Friday gets a party. While Saturday and Sunday get rest and happiness. Why do we let these days affect our moods and activities? Why do we give them so much power.

Do you ever stop and think, I am not promised tomorrow.. did i make the most of today. Did you stop and listen to your child when they were talking to you or where you so busy with the dishes or dinner or work that you shoved it off and said later. When was the last time you went for a walk and looked at life through grateful eyes, truly seeing all of its beauty and wonders. The last time you snuggled your child and was 100% in the moment. No phone, no distractions.

What if you didn't wake up tomorrow, would you look back and cry because the moments you had weren't good enough? or would you smile with serenity and know that those you left behind have so much to remember you by. You are not remembered for the clean house you had, the designer bags you carried or the car you drove. You are remembered by the moments you shared, the things you said and did. You are remembered by the life you lived. Are you truly living if you are spending it cleaning, working, stressing? If you died, who would morn you, not just for a day or two but truly morn and miss you and your presence? Who would come and cry for the loss of you in their life.

We need to live life like our dogs and children. With curiosity, with unconditional love and thankfulness. Everyday is a blessing, we need to treat it like that. We need to allow ourselves to be in the moment, and take more of them for ourselves. Life waits for no one.. Enjoy the little things and have some ice cream

Your time as a caterpillar is expired, your wings are ready

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I get asked a lot, how did you loose the weight. Whats your secret?? The truth is there isn't a secret, all it takes it dedication. Some people don't understand there is no quick fix. It took me a long time wondering, why are they even asking me for advice i haven't lost much weight. And one day it hit me..

This is me 1 year ago.

Do you see how my face is, my arms. I never saw myself as really fat or overweight. Sure i wore a size 16-14 in pants and a XL-L in tops. But i was never really hardcore on loosing weight.. i would work out for a few weeks and then not for a month. It was never a priority.


What switched you ask? One day I realized all the mental abuse I was conflicting on myself. All the crying i was doing in fitting rooms, but really what hit me was looking back at pictures. I avoided them, they are just of little G or of my husband and little G. Hardly ever did i find one of the two or three of us together. And i realized things needed to change.

The didn't change fast, it took a whole year of hard work to loose 45 pounds. And I'm still working hard everyday. But while i may not see changes in my body as much anymore. I see them in my mentality and pictures. I don't avoid dressing up, trying on clothes or taking photos. I don't avoid sex with the lights on or walking around in my underwear. I have learned more self love and in that comes inner peace.

But how did i go from the top picture to my current picture?

Weight Training is a huge part of it. When you weight train you work your muscles, and when you work them you continue to burn fat and calories even when you aren't working out, plus it helps carve out your curves. Cardio, but not just on the hamster wheel, you need HITT. And you can't out run a bad diet. So yes, you need to eat less crap. Did i cut out all "bad" foods? No, I don't believe there are "bad" or "good" foods. I believe there is beauty and sanity to balance. Enjoy your life, eat the foods you know aren't the healthiest, but do so in moderation. And learn how to make the bad foods with better ingredients.

There is no pill, no quick fix all option, no easy button. It takes hard work and dedication. But when you really want something, the work will be the easy part, the waiting for the results you want will be the challenge.